You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am in a vortex of obligation.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
the raccoons are back...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
