Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize