God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She needs sedatives and a leash
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize