I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
