and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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