i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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