I accidentally had phone sex last night
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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