A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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