Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
