I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
