I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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