If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
