maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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