Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
