I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
