so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I smell like Dick and happiness
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
