From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
