your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
