Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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