i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
