he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize