remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
