Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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