Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
