Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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