The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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