sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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