My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
