I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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