his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
