remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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