Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
