Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
