see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
