I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
