Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
