There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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