Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
