tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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