just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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