I look better un-naked...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
