A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
