Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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