i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
