What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
