she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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