Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
