your parents love me but you hate me
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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