his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
