Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
