At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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