they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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