Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
