remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
