I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
