Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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