Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize