I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
