dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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