that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
